Egocentric

I've been far least from selfish, but I don't care anymore. I've come to a point in my life where I need to be a little self-centered for the benefit of myself. I'm listening to how I sound right now, and I sound like a shallow bitch, but I have my reasons. This is my life, my choices, my decisions. I need to think of what's best for myself and my future.

Track & Swim meet

School boring as always, but on the brighter note, I got an A on my chem test! I'm thinking about taking Chem AP at Fullerton during the summer. Thinking and analyzing my classes for next year is giving me a headache. It's like we haven't even finished this year yet, and we are already planning ahead for next year. Watched the home track meet, and then the girls told me that coach wanted me to do 100m, 200m!? I didn't even bring my uniform it was so last minute gah. Went to Walnut to watch the home swim meet at 4:30pm. Met up with my middleschool bestie Bernadette [= Saw Erica for the first time taha. The meet pretty entertaining haha, I love the people on swim they're so much fun! Especially Misha, Brandon, and Alvin! Watched my baby do his events, sorry I wasn't paying attention to the second event hah. Thanks for the Ghirardelli chocolate bar boo yumm. Dad got me lee's sandwich, starbucks, and a slurpee from 711, I'm a damn fatass haha, but hey no boba!

Never enough

Yesterday was a latestart, the usual church at St. denis, starbucks, school, taco tuesday with Carolyn, Ethan etc.
RunnerRunner came to perform at Dbhs:) Peter, the curly hair one complimented my nails, pretty random haha. Jotham got a fucking autograph from them on his buttcheek, it was super disgustank. One of the most ridiculous/unexpected person showed up at my house x_x Today was another long day. Had to get out of track early today to go to detention due to my tardies in first period -_-x Damn there's a meet tmrw, and I hate how someone told me that coach was going to give events to a navis and varsity yesterday, but they checked in and left so they lost their opportunity. I hate how i'm so naive and I will always end up feeling guilty. I can never walk away satisfied knowing that I could have actually tried, damnit. Oh well, imma go watch the home swim meet tmrw (=

Oh emay haay

A seriously overwhelming day. Tmrw's latestart :) and I think RunnerRunner is having a performance @ Dbhs<3

Ps: I'm determined to get straight A's.

So obvious

There's a place in my heart that just won't be the same.

Your call

Your wish is my command. What else would you like, for me to vanish from your life? Whoppiefuckingdo.

Capable

What can I say school has been a bit easier for me lately since the burden of trig/anal is gone. My stress level has gone down thank goodness, please last. On the other hand, there are a handful of conflicts with friends, though it does bother me, it doesn't seem to be such a main topic these days. Weather was sunny and warm, not has heated as yesterday tho. Me and Misha matched, unplanned =) Painted Andy & Jotham's nails during 4th ha. Why the eff do my peerty earrings keep breaking these days -_- Track was alright, coach asked where I was yesterday and I practically blanked out.. Later Miki made me do 20 push-ups, because she said I slowed down at the finish line, so not true. Got a major shin split, so I stayed in the whirlpool for a while, it's like 30 degrees in there sheesh. Dad bought me a cherry icee from ampm yum. Aj Rafael performed at school yesterday, wasn't much of a big deal to me dunno why, I have a friend that looks like himm haha. It's strange, this year I've had some beef with many, I really see who people really are, and I must say there are some fake bitches. Ironic how it seems as if you could trust someone so much, and in the long run be betrayed by them, funny how it works. I guess God puts us close to others until it's time to let go. I drank Tea Rush everyday this week, too much boba in my system, Carolyn we needa go on a Boba diet! Goin to Lucilles and Brea Mall now, bye.


Thanks Iris [=

Verdict

After all that indecisive decision making, it now has come to a resolute of how the outcome will benefit. Regardless of how regretful decisions may be, there will be other assets along the journey. I mark my words.

10:30pm In-N-Out Run<3

Lakers vs. Mavericks!

Went to the Lakers vs. Mavericks game today! Lakers ftw 105, Mavericks 100 hahaa. I absolutely loved my seat, it was so close to the court. I even came early and said in Row 1 tehe. As from today, Gasol is my new favorite :) Farmar sucks -_- and Mihm didn't play :( I saw Jack Nicholson, of course he's always at the Laker's games, and I also saw Sally Field, she played in many movies/shows such as Mrs. Doubtfire, brothers and sisters, etc. She aged alooot. I asked her if I could take a picture with her but she said "just not at this second, maybe later". I was so bummed out, did she think I was gonna stab her or something!? haha. Game was gooood, go Lakkers! Ate a shitload of hot wings and hots dogs. After, I went home and made it to church. Then decided to give a surprise visit to my boyfwen while he was working at Tea Rush. This weekend has been so exciting =)


Sallly Field!

Mihm =]

Lakers!

Mavericks

Sadies

Sadies was on friday the 13th this year! Had an extremely fun day =) School, 3rd period pc was funny how we all pulled out our red burts bee at the same time haha, kept reciting my spanish poem the rest of the day, and gave my oral to Senorita Pina 5th period, got 19/20 yay! Took pictures for track. After school Mike took me and Keari to the invitational swim meet at Mt. sac [= Saw my boo and others. Later we headed to Ashley's. Had pasta, watched tv, got readyy, made a video bhaha, cute girl talks, then Mike picked up Keari and Ashley's parents came home and brought the Twilight Dvd, so we watched a little of that and waited for Homam to come. Chillled there s'more, then James called me after his swim meet to pick me up, but got confused with directions, and decided to meet us at school. Got a ride to school around 7:30pm and met up with James, I was hungry so we went to Tea Rush for a bit. Went back to the dance round 8pm and had a blaasst. Had a goood time with my boyfriend, even though we got a warning once and then the same lady turned her flashlight on us again, but we managed not to get our wristbands cut HAHAHA. I loved when Homam busted his glowsticks out! There was this couple like practically humping each other and the guy was enjoying it wayy too much, most of us were just staring at them for a good 13 seconds. Overall it was an enjoying and amusing day [: I just feel bad for my boyprend, because he had a swim meet yesterday, SATS today & a swim meet today, always so BZ.

Anticipating

Ohmygoodness today was a fucking bust -________- Mrs. chu told us we were gonna have a midterm on monday wtf why so last min!? I've already made my decision bout her class today, and everytime she tried to talk to me I just gave her one word answers cus I just despise her/that class. Throughout the class, she told me to go outside so she could talk to me. Gave me a 10 min lecture bout how much confident she had in me etc. Fuck it, seriously -_x... Had a really good sleep last night, because I haven't been sleeping well since this semester, my mom says it was cus I wasn't stressed last night bhaha. Anyway, I'm anticipating for this weekend!

mar13-sadies
mar14-6pm?
mar15-goin to lakers game<3

Que paso

This week has been seriously overwhelming. Filled with unmade decisions of classes, a bundle of misunderstanding situations with friends, stress-overload, things not working out at home, and much more. Missed my boyfriend the past few days, he's been sick since Sunday =( but came today during lunch to visit! Hope you're gettin bettah boo. Long day of school today, Byran brought me Starbucks this morning! Had a chem quiz haaa, took my math test. I just realized the problem why I always struggle is because I over stress myself by over analyzing and work myself up. Need to take a breather. I sit in the back in spanish now, and I said something kind of nasty to my friends, and Mrs. Pina from all the way in the front of the room was like, "Jeannie English please!", I was like damnn she heard my convo!? haha. Track was good today,freaking Bianca and Dominic tortured me by consistently making me use blocks until I finally understood how to use em. Now I have nasty blisters on each of my hands because of the track field -_- Coach had a 15 min convo with me bout my struggles in math etc. I really appreciate all the support I have from my family, friends, bf, family friends, teachers, etc, but sometimes I feel as if I need to achieve so high in order to impress those who support me. But as of today, all I can say, and I say this strongly, is that I worked hard, and would leave highschool without regrets of knowing that I should have done bettah.

Taco tuesday

Late start today, mom took me to mass at st.denis, starbucks, h-mart. Dreaded school like always, mrs chu postponed the math test till tmrw, surprisingly I wasn't jumping in the air. Rubio's and Tenren's with Ethan, Carolyn, Anis, etc after. The strangest thing was that I got a headache from Tenren's boba milk tea. HATE TODAY. Hate the feeling of trusting someone so much, and hope that they will not judge you, but we all should realize that nowadays, you can trust no one. Lesson learned.

Byebye 13 inches

Of long luscious, silky hair. Eh more like long damaged, dry hair. I guess that's what happens after re-dying it a lot. Got my haircut/dyed today. Really disappointed, because it came out nothing as what I wanted. The lady took freakin 3 1/2 hrs on it, layering it, cutting it, then dying it, washing, deep conditioning, trimming, straightening, blow drying, more cutting, and it turned out like shit. Hate my hair, damnit. Oh, and hellllo daylight savings, we get to lose an hour of sleep!

Sometimes your best just isn't enuff

Damn how much of your self-esteem sinks in all because you've put soo much effort into something, and evidently the outcome isn't what you expected. That applies to Math.

Mr. Ozaki: "Jeannie, if your friends ask you why you dropped math, tell them Mr.Ozaki wants you too."

Gossh, I've never worked this hard for math as I've did this semester, taking those 3 days a week for math tutor, 5-6 hrs/test. I hate how my life consists of schoolschoolschool now. Still gotta think about dropping or nots, like I said, I wanna finish what I started, not quit, but in this situation it's different.

Eh, yesterday was just a depressing day, school, Ethan and his friends took me, Carolyn, and Agnes to Pho Superbowl after, and what happened to all my $ :( Wanted to go to The Black Jacket's concert where Jordan's band was playing, but I came down with a nastuh cold, so boyfwend came and visit. FML.

EDITED 9pm
Today was a decent day, one of the very few saturdays I got to sleep in cus there wasn't a track meet. Got picked up by James and tried to do some Sadies shopping. Unfortunately we weren't able to find what we were looking for, so I suppose we'll swing by the mall sometime this week. Went to church and Lucille's with my family afteer.

Foot pain

Ah my freaking foot is a mess! That's what I get for forgetting to bring my shoes and borrowing Jayona's size 6 shoes during track. Bruises on most of my toenails, and as nasty as it sounds, I had to cut a few nails off. And to add to that, my leg is starting to swell up, splendid. Sucks how my foot is being a bitch, and my boyfriend's shoulders need to be checked up. Wsup handicap couple. School's rough, tryna get as much help as possible with math. Lets see what are the upcoming events:

*Mar3-Ron is licensed!
*Mar13-James' swim meet/SADIES
*Mar14-James' swim meet/track calpoly invitational -_-
*Mar15-Lakers vs. Mavericks game, so stokkked!

ps: I hate you Brandon for dropping a textbook on my foot!

Vulnerable

Vulnerability is the susceptibility to physical or emotional injury or attack. It also means to have one's guard down, open to censure or criticism; assailable.

Vulnerability is:
* Feeling of being exposed to emotional hurt, being taken advantage of or abused.
* Feeling of being fragile, weak or susceptible to emotional pain and suffering.
* Feeling of being trapped or imprisoned in a situation where your feelings and rights are ignored.
* Opening of oneself to the possibility of being taken advantage of by another person in a relationship.
* Relating of your innermost feelings and fears to others with the possibility that they might use such feelings and fears against you.
* Opening of yourself to the possibility of growing as a person in your emotional and spiritual dimensions.
* Allowing of oneself to search and probe the past for hidden or unresolved emotions, feelings or grief responses that lie at the root of current immobilized emotions, feelings or actions.
* Trying out of new behavior traits, attitudes or beliefs in the pursuit of personal growth.
* Willingness to take chances and try new experiences, challenges or activities even though the outcome is unsure.

Why do people avoid being vulnerable?
* Basic self-survival.
* Basic insecurity and lack of self-confidence.
* Lack of trust in self and others.
* Fear of the unknown or of uncharted waters.
* Lack of forgiveness and inability to forget past hurts, injustices and pain.
* An overwhelming need for personal privacy and confidentiality (illustrating insecurity).
* Denial, unresolved grief, self-deceit, lack of personal awareness or refusal to face life the way it is.
* Discomfort with change, lack of acceptance of change and unwillingness to change.
* Unwillingness to unmask one's true emotions or reactions to life.
* Lack of acceptance of self for who I am, what I am able to do, and who I am able to be.

How does the avoidance of vulnerability manifest itself?
* Constantly being on the offensive, attacking, blaming or correcting others; keeping the spotlight on others and off themselves.
* Avoiding participation in any form of "helping'' situation, such as an emotional support group, individual or family counseling.
* "Looking good'' and wearing a mask of "strength'' and "togetherness.''
* Pleasing or placating others to keep their true moods, feelings or pain from being probed.
* Silence, a lack of feedback to others, non-communicativeness, keeping true feelings hidden.
* Shyness, a hesitancy to meet new people, being a "wall flower" in social gatherings due to fear of rejection or fear of disapproval.
* Resistance to change, to altering habitual patterns of behavior, or to looking at things in life from a different perspective.

Another reason people hold back from being vulnerable with each other is the fact that they don’t know how to own their own strength. Whenever we give our power away to others and take crap from them, it closes our hearts and causes us to pull back. It’s painful to be open with someone and have them take advantage or be disrespected.

Start of a new month

Happy 17 months love. I'd have to say February has been the best month =) Today, went to church, iHop, and puente with the fam. I'm really craving for a sluurpee right now, so can somebody take me on a 711 run?! Not looking foward to a new week of school, especially the prawgress reports comin in the mail.